Thursday, February 27, 2003
if you glanced back at your past, i'm sure you'd remember some of the the life-changing experiences, like how you had to move to another country, your very first love, or the death of a close relative. you probably also remember the not-as-notable-but-important-nonetheless things, like who your math teacher was two years ago, how your old house looked, or a favorite song. but who pays attention to the details?
most people don't. at that time of occurence, these actions are so insignificant that one overlooks the whole thing. who really, can recite in detail the nostalgia they felt with the first step they took onto american ground, how magical that kiss was, how devastating it was to go to that funeral, how their math teacher was from perú and could not say the letter 'z' without being laughed at, how their house smelt of mom's cooking, or how that one song made them cry because they knew what the artist was going through?
if you start paying attention to these details that have somehow weaved themselves into the picture, you understand why a certain event was memorable or why it was time well spent. personally, i can still recall the scorching heat the first day of school in louisville, kentucky back in '91, how i landed that back handspring-into-tuck position at my second gymnastics championships, the humiliation i felt trying to learn the english language, how appreciative i was for the people who befriended me at el rancho when i was the new girl, how nervous i was the first day of band camp, the exact shade the band lockers are painted in (because the officers took a week out of their summer break to repaint them), how my best guy friend now, used to be the shyest guy i've ever met, what all my friends order at a certain restaurant, the smell of leather dye on the xylophone, the color of the stains on the band room carpet. i can clearly remember how much my eyes hurt after graduation 2002, how much i missed you guys like hell yesterday.
once you've picked out some minute details, you begin to realize that those little things were what made an event more memorable, time well-spent and worthwhile. so carpe diem, my friends.
"enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." - ©Robert Brault
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you know what kind of people who really get on my nerves? the ones that give you a guilt trip. i mean, ultimately, your yourself know best what you've done wrong; you don't need someone else telling you. that's exactly what irritates me. it's like stating a fact that everyone knows already, and it gets redundant. the worst-case scenario? when that person has made/makes the exact same mistake as you do, but they never make a big deal out of theirs. it's okay to recognize the mistake, but to provoke it is something quite different.
as far as the day went, it was long. i remember my government teacher telling our class that "our senior year was going to feel long in terms of days, but extremely short when you look back on the past". i couldn't agree more. so even though i believe it to be a long 24 hours, it's actually not. i should appreciate every minute i've got.
it rained today, too. i really do enjoy every part of nature, at least the ones i've gotten to know. that incluses the thunder, the tornadoes, the trees... you get the idea. i've always had a special attachment to rain, though. i don't know why, but i just have. when i was little, i'd jump at the sight of raindrops and sprint outside and run around, only to come back inside the house soaking and dripping in water. my mom would always tell me not to do that because i'll catch a cold or something like that... but i didn't listen to her. and every single time, i'd stand outside under the pouring rain and start dancing, singing, and smiling. --i still do that sometimes. it's a carefree feeling you get. you don't think of anything else: just the rain falling down on you.
i'll post again later today. i have a lot of things on my mind.
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Wednesday, February 26, 2003
a good friend of mine said something really peculiar the other day. it intrigued my curiosity and boggled my mind. and therefore, it is the topic of the hour: "time is running out".
we have a deadline for a lot of things. anything from homework to lunch time, there's always a certain point of inflection that changes the way one thinks, acts, does. but does time itself run out? does it actually give us an ending? i see it as us human beings setting a limit on something consistent and unyielding; therefore, in the end, we lose.
it is a restriction we put on time that was never there before. what's so unfair about this is that although we have no intention of contorting time's ways, we have no other choice. we need deadlines in order to attain something. it's true. if my math homework wasn't due on friday, i'd put it off an infinite amount of years. i'd probably not even attempt to do it. same goes on a larger scale. i probably wouldn't say the things i say.
generally, most of us don't even know the concept of time. i sit in front of my computer now, watching the minutes tick away, not knowing the importance of them. the total amount of my wasted time is probably fathomless. i don't want to count the hours, the days, the weeks; it makes me want to bring it all back. and to many, this remorse is a slap in the face. it's a lesson taught by time: and there's no better teacher.
and ultimately, we go back to the central statement from my friend. does time run out? probably not. but we let it.
don't ever take anything for granted.
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Tuesday, February 25, 2003
isn't it weird, how sometimes, the one person you thought would never understand, does? the person you complain about, the person that irks your nerves... the person you depend on. our drumline instructor has major issues, believe me. he throws tantrums as much as he throws drumsticks, he can't hear any note below a fortissimo, and loves giving criticisms, regardless of how well you play. he will pick up on your weakest quality and literally juggle it in his hand like it's a joke. he can be the lunatic, that's for sure.
but he is also one of the most talented drum player i've met. though my aquaintance with drumline only totals about a year and a half, i have come to love the sound of the bass drums, the rim clicks of the snare, the catchy beat from the quints, the crashing of the cymbals, and the melody of the line: the keys. and all his yelling and complaning is just showing that he cares about how well we sound and how presentable we look. for this reason, i give him much owed respect.
there's also another reason as to why i see him as very wise, a trait that not many people praise him for. but when it all comes down to it all, he is a human being first, drumline instructor second. when i sought for guidance, he gave me exactly what no one else had. many come to aid helping me from the back, pushing me and encouraging me to take action. but he didn't: he lead me. he didn't cheer me on from behind; rather, he pulled me forward. not many have that quality.
if anything, i owe him a sincere 'thank you'. to think that someone i've only known for two months can aid me in such a way is incredible. i really appreciate his efforts.
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Monday, February 24, 2003
topic in discussion: motives
it's a peculiar thing; one really can't (or at least don't want to) do much without motivation. most actions taken require that one sets a destination, or goal, to arrive at where he/she wants to be. regardless of the personal goal (good or bad), one tries to accomplish it with motives. this drive makes the journey there worthwhile, whether or not one arrives at the finish line. i have motives. i think everyone has had one, at one point or another.
to think though, that someone could use this as a tool to literally crush me down is unbelievable. i saw it coming, yeah. but they made it far more worse than they should have, for their own good. when i go to someone, i seek for something that only they can give me. it sounds like i am taking advantage of them, but it's not that at all. it's a silent praise; that's why i go to them without a second-guess or a back-up. i think that certain people have the qualities necessary for a given situation and setting, and i find that amusing.
... and most of the time, i return in awe at their strengths, having been helped by them in a specific way. but when they betray me and stab me in the back for their own motives, i just crash down. i can't believe some people could be that selfish. when i go to them for comfort, that is because i want comfort, not another load of problems. then, i begin to wonder whether or not it was worth my time, because all i got out of it were more problems and crap that i could have done without. so basically, i went in with a lighter load than when i came out. that's not what comfort is.
consolation is an ear: it listens, and only talks to remedy one's worries. and for those of you who did try to help, thank you. i only hope that in times of trouble, i can be of service for you, too.
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this blog created: february 11, 2003.
there is a reason i started this blog. i was actually planning on having the first entry in march, but i've decided to start now. i think that something like this is necessary in times like these, the ones i'm thoroughly experiencing now. everything from college anticipations to reconciliations between friends, i've had pure madness packed into a mere week. february's almost over, and i'm beginning to be able to see the "end" of the year, so to speak. i suppose it's safe to say that i'm relieved.
so for the sake of my mind and spirit, i'm starting this blog earlier than i thought i would.
one last thing: this blog... take a look at the url. upon visiting this page, you have to remember that none of the words will be "sugar-coated"; it's how it is. and another of my top reasons for the creation of this site is for people to see me. that can mean tons of things. it can relate to actually finding out more about me, through my (attempted) façade. but what i was getting at was more in terms of goodbyes. when you can't see me, when i can't be there for you... there's still a page accessible for all who want to check up on me, and vise versa. so even if i'm not physically there, i'm reachable. communication technology rocks.
i'm hoping you will enjoy this as much as i will.
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